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Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Coaching Through the Lens of Executive Function

Hey, I’m Rooz, an ADHD coach and parent coach here at Heal and Thrive Therapy and Coaching. Quick heads up: this is my plain-English guide to Pathological Demand Avoidance coaching. If you’ve felt stuck with PDA behaviors at home, at school, or at work you’re in the right place. And yes, we’ll keep it real. I’ll share client stories (names changed), simple tools, and what actually works day to day.

Actually, let me rephrase that: this is not a lecture. It’s more like we’re sitting at my office table with tea, and I’m showing you exactly how I coach PDA in a way that is safe, respectful, and doable. Because when demands feel like threats, “try harder” is not a plan. Safety is.

  • Internal links as you read:

Note: PDA isn’t in the DSM-5 in the US. Still, many families and adults recognize the pattern. Researchers like Elizabeth Newson (who first described the profile), Phil Christie, and Liz O’Nions have written a lot about it. I’ll cite them below.

Hook: The Day “Brush Your Teeth” Felt Like a Fire Alarm

I remember one morning with a client family. We’ll call them the Lopez family. Their 10-year-old, M., had been laughing with the dog two minutes earlier. Dad said, “Hey bud, time to brush your teeth,” and boom total shutdown. Not an eye roll. Not “one sec.” Just freeze, then tears. My first thought years ago would’ve been, “He’s being stubborn.” Now? I see a nervous system that heard a fire alarm.

Hold on, let me rephrase. It’s not just the words “brush your teeth.” It’s any demand that feels like a loss of control. Even things they like can flip into “nope” the instant it sounds like a rule.

Problem: Why PDA Matters (And Why “Try Harder” Backfires)

With PDA, demands feel unsafe. The brain says “protect autonomy now.” Anxiety rises. Control strategies kick in stalling, joking, debating, hiding, masking, even melting down. If you have ADHD on top of that (lots of folks do), executive function struggles make it worse. Planning is hard. Transitions are hard. So a demand is not just a request; it’s a sharp left turn with no map.

A few fast facts (for quick reading):

  • PDA = intense, anxiety-based drive to avoid demands (Newson; PDA Society).
  • Avoidance can show up as charm, debate, humor, silence, masking, or full-on shutdown (Christie; O’Nions).
  • It’s not “oppositional on purpose.” It’s a safety move from the nervous system.
  • Rewards and threats often backfire. Pressure raises anxiety. Anxiety raises avoidance.

US context note: In schools, PDA may look like “school refusal,” behavior issues, or sudden absences. A 504 plan or IEP can help, but the strategies need to be autonomy-first. Otherwise, supports can feel like more demands.

 

What Is PDA? (Quick Definition for Featured Snippet)

  • Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile marked by extreme, anxiety-driven avoidance of everyday demands, plus a strong need for control and autonomy (Elizabeth Newson; PDA Society).
  • People with PDA can seem very social, but may use social strategies to avoid demands (Phil Christie).
  • PDA is not a DSM-5 diagnosis in the US. It’s a descriptive profile used by families, coaches, and some clinicians to guide support.

Citations:

The Executive Function Link (PDA + ADHD Coaching, Explained)

Quick version: when planning, working memory, and flexibility are already hard (hello ADHD), any sudden demand feels bigger. Your brain can’t “buffer the switch” fast enough. That’s why classic tools need a PDA twist:

  • Use information, not orders.
  • Offer choices that are real (not fake choices).
  • Replace deadlines-as-demands with timelines-as-information.
  • Build regulation and predictability first, skills second.

Actually, scratch that I do both at once. But I make sure the person feels in charge. If they don’t feel safe, everything else stalls.

Real Examples: What PDA Looks Like Day to Day

  • The gamer who loves Minecraft but won’t play when you say, “Go play Minecraft while I cook.” It turned from a choice into a demand.
  • The honors student who debates every small request. Not because they’re rude. Debate gives them a sense of control.
  • The brilliant 8-year-old who only brushes teeth if they “invent the routine” and name the toothbrush.

Client story: Sarah, 15

  • Challenge: Any direct request (“Join dinner now”) triggered a shutdown.
  • Shift: Parents switched to “info first”: “Dinner will be on the table around 6.” Then they offered choices: “Dining room or plate in your room?”
  • Result: Over weeks, Sarah started joining by herself. Later, she helped plan taco night. Not because she had to because it felt like her choice.

Client stumble: Me (yep)

  • I once said, “Let’s try that worksheet.” The teen froze.
  • I paused and said, “Hold on my bad. Here are three things we could do. Or we can do nothing and just talk.” They picked “nothing,” and then chose the worksheet five minutes later. Choice made space.
Practical Strategies: Pathological Demand Avoidance Coaching Tools (Step-by-Step)

Featured snippet: 7 PDA coaching strategies that work

  1. Safety before strategy
  • Lower the pressure. Sit side-by-side. Drop eye contact if it feels intense.
  • Use soft tone. Keep sentences short.
  1. Info, not orders
  • Swap “Brush your teeth” for “Teeth need cleaning before bed. What’s your plan?”
  • Use “When/Then” as info, not leverage: “When the dishwasher is running, the kitchen is free for baking.”
  1. Real choices
  • Offer two to three real options. “Shower now or after your show?” “Notebook or whiteboard?”
  • If all options are no’s, widen the net: “Want to design your own option?”
  1. Collaborate on the problem, not the behavior
  • “I notice mornings feel rough. What would make them less heavy?”
  • Co-create one tiny change. Tiny wins build trust.
  1. Externalize the demand
  • Use visuals and timers as “neutral info,” not control.
  • “The timer will ring at 6:20. What do you want the signal to mean?”
  1. Interest-led entry
  • Start with something they care about. Blend the skill inside the interest.
  • Example: Build a playlist before starting homework. First song plays while opening the document.
  1. Gentle transitions
  • Announce shifts as “coming up” information. Give a soft countdown.
  • Offer a “landing activity” (music, fidget, quick snack) to bridge the change.

Implementation: A 7-Day Starter Plan (How-To)

Step 1 (Day 1): Map hot spots

  • When do demands blow up? Morning? Homework? Chores?
  • Write down two hot times and two safer times.

Step 2 (Day 2): Switch to information language

  • Replace two commands with information.
  • Example: “Dinner is at 6. What’s your plan?” not “Come eat now.”

Step 3 (Day 3): Offer real choices

  • Pick one hot spot and add two choices.
  • If they say no to both, celebrate the third option they suggest.

Step 4 (Day 4): Co-create one micro-routine

  • “What would make morning 10% easier?”
  • Build a 3-step micro-routine they design. Keep it visual and flexible.

Step 5 (Day 5): Interest-led start

  • Begin work with something they love for five minutes.
  • Then try one tiny task inside that interest.

Step 6 (Day 6): Soft transitions

  • Use a visual or gentle sound to mark the shift.
  • Add a landing activity (music, snack, stretching) for 2 minutes.

Step 7 (Day 7): Review and adjust together

  • What helped? What felt bossy? What can we try next?
  • Celebrate one small win.

How-to tip: Keep logs tiny. One sticky note per day. Done is better than perfect.

Troubleshooting: Common PDA Coaching Roadblocks

Q: They refuse every option. Now what?

  • Try “menu plus blank line.” Offer two options, plus an empty box they can fill. If they still say no, pause. Remove the demand for now. Return later with curiosity: “What made that feel heavy?”

Q: Rewards make it worse. Why?

  • For many PDA profiles, rewards feel like control in a costume. Pressure rises; avoidance rises. Switch to intrinsic reasons: “What matters to you here?” Use “What’s In It For Me?” (WIFM) from their point of view.

Q: How do I handle school demands?

  • Make the plan with the student. Keep staff language informational (“Class starts at 8:15; what’s your entry plan?”) Add quiet entry options and soft starts. For US schools, ask about flexible seating, predictable routines, and a 504/IEP that uses autonomy-first supports.

Q: What if they mask all day and melt down at home?

  • Expect a “recovery window” after school. Block 30–60 minutes of no demands. Snacks. Soft lighting. Zero talking if they need quiet. After regulation, tiny choices.

Q: Is PDA the same as ODD?

  • No. PDA avoidance is anxiety-based and tied to control needs. ODD is a different pattern. See PDA Society resources and O’Nions’ work for details.

Q: Do I ever use consequences?

  • Natural consequences, yes. Punitive ones, no. We protect the relationship first. Without safety, nothing sticks.

Success Metrics: What Progress Looks Like (And How to Track It)

Look for these green shoots:

  • Fewer meltdowns after requests (weekly count goes down).
  • Shorter duration of shutdowns (from 40 min to 15, for example).
  • More self-starting on chosen tasks (even tiny ones).
  • More flexible language (“Maybe later,” “I can do Step 1”).
  • More collaboration ideas from them (“What if we…?”).
  • Better transitions with simple signals (music, light, timer).
  • School days with smoother entries, even if late sometimes.

Simple tracking ideas:

  • Two checkmarks per day: “Fewer big reactions?” “One tiny self-start?”
  • A weekly “What helped?” note you write together.
  • A “wins” jar for micro-successes (yes, adults can use this too).

The Research

  • Phil Christie and colleagues outline social strategies used to avoid demands and the role of anxiety (see PDA Society resources).

Plain truth: research is growing, and practice leads the way. Many US families use PDA-aware coaching because it works in daily life.

Case Stories: Wins, Stumbles, and Real Life

Story 1: The “teeth” battle

  • Before: Every night ended in tears.
  • Shift: Parents stopped commands and moved to “info + plan.” Child designed a “Lights Out Ladder”: water, brush, 2-minute song dance, bed.
  • After 4 weeks: 4 out of 7 nights were smooth. The other 3 were “less hard.” That counts.

Story 2: Homework dread

  • Before: Total refusal.
  • Shift: We reframed the due date as neutral info: “This project ends Friday.” Teen picked their own “work windows.” We used a playlist start and a 5-minute timer.
  • After 3 weeks: Teen completed 2 short tasks per day and turned in on time. Not perfect. But progress.

Story 3: Adult with PDA traits at work

  • Before: Boss’s “I need this now” caused shutdowns.
  • Shift: Client scripted replies: “I can do X by 2 pm or Y by 11 am what do you prefer?” That turned a command into a choice they owned.
  • After 2 months: Fewer sick days, better reviews, more energy after work.

I’ll be honest some days still fall apart. When they do, I take the pressure off, repair the relationship, and try again later. That’s the work.

Quick Answers (PDA Coaching FAQ)
  • Is PDA real?
    • Families and many clinicians see the pattern. Research is growing. It’s not in DSM-5 in the US.
  • Is PDA the same as autism?
    • PDA is often described as part of the autism spectrum profile in UK research. Many with ADHD traits also show PDA features.
  • Could this just be anxiety?
    • Anxiety is a key driver. But the extreme, demand-focused pattern is what stands out with PDA.
  • Do rewards work?
    • Often they backfire. Intrinsic motivation and autonomy-based plans work better.
  • What about school?
    • Ask for soft starts, predictable routines, choice-based entries, and sensory supports. Consider 504/IEP language that names “autonomy-first, info-based supports.”
Your Next Step: Try This “Two-Switch” Script Today

Use this tonight (script for featured snippet):

  • Switch 1: Turn a command into information.
    • Instead of: “Clean your room.”
    • Say: “Clothes need a spot so we can walk safely. What’s your plan?”
  • Switch 2: Offer two real choices plus a blank line.
    • “Laundry bin or chair? Or write your option: _______.”

If you try only this, you’ll change the energy fast.

For Parents, Adults, and Educators: Tailored Tips

Parents

  • Pick one hot spot. Change two phrases this week to information statements.
  • Build one co-created micro-routine. Keep it flexible.

Adults with PDA traits

  • Pre-write “choice replies” to common work demands.
  • Use “landing rituals” after hard tasks (walk, music, snack).

Educators (US)

  • Offer “soft entry” and “exit passes.”
  • Keep instructions in calm, neutral language.
  • Make visuals portable and student-owned.
Where Coaching Fits (And Where Therapy Fits)

Coaching helps with:

  • Building routines that feel safe and flexible
  • Communication scripts
  • Time and task planning that protects autonomy
  • School and work advocacy strategies

Therapy helps with:

  • Trauma processing
  • Deeper anxiety work
  • Family systems repair

Not sure what you need? Read this quick explainer: https://heal-thrive.com/what-is-a-psychotherapist-vs-therapist/ and our approach pages:

Let’s Make a Plan Together

If you see your family or yourself in this article, you’re not alone. PDA coaching can help you honor autonomy and still build real-life skills. We’ll do it slowly, kindly, and with your nervous system on our side.

I’ll bring the tea and the sticky notes. You bring your lived wisdom. We’ll do this together.

Sources and Further Reading
  • PDA Society: Research overviews
  • O’Nions, Gould, Christie, Gillberg, Viding, Happé: DISCO features of PDA
  • Devon NHS PDA summary (Newson’s early work)
  • Systematic review (Kildahl et al.)
  • PDA Society resource differentiating PDA and ASPD (for clarity on anxiety vs. disregard)

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